God Exists?
By Patrick Flanagan
The question is not whether
God exists, but rather “Do You Believe that God Exists?”
From almost time immemorial,
the question of God’s existence has intrigued the minds of men from the days of
Plato, Socrates, even to the days of my birth and 68 years of my search for Him
and perhaps soon to come to a conclusion in a great atom smasher searching for
the God Particle as proof, a perhaps modern vision of God Himself. Imagine the gall of man and presumption that
he can reduce God to a particle as a way of finally proving His existence. Only man could presume to reduce infinity
down to a single particle in resolving one of the greatest mysteries of all humankind.
My efforts to find God, to
know He exists have consumed almost all of my life’s thoughts and have certainly
taken a very different approach than any of those others before me who have
also searched. And this is such an
important question to answer. It changes
everything. If God exists, then the
questions of why man exists all must be then answered; if He does not, then the
future of man and why he exists changes just so radically and carries a very
heavy weight upon us all.
Then there is also the
question that if I prove that God exists, how do I then get others to agree and
to share the truth which answers the ageless question that must possess almost
all of mankind? Unlike others before me,
I wish to approach this question and answer in a much different manner: I believe
I have proven God exists finally, and by explaining this adventure, I will also
hopefully lead you to the same truth at your own time, place and manner. Certainly the search for God’s existence is
both subjective and objective, but His existence can only really be the
objective resolution of the question.
Otherwise, the search becomes meaningless. So we must engage in a journey of life, my
life and the lives of others, and at the end finally reach our
destination. Be patient and aware of the
events as we travel together toward that end.
Preface
Like all of us, born from the
womb, God didn’t even enter our minds even though many might say He had a hand
in our very conception. I was no
different. My brain and mind were clean
as a slate, totally unaware of what was to come. Why, I didn’t even know that I may also have
a soul but I did know the happiness of being held close to my mother and that I
was protected. I was innocent and unbeknown
of what was to come. It wasn’t until
later that I realized I was being exposed to love as one of my first real
experiences, and it was an unconditional love.
Or at least it should be, but, sadly, often is not for others.
So my first real memories of
God and His existence started out at Assumption School managed and run by the
Dominican nuns.
I guess one might say that I
was blessed from the beginning in that my parents strongly believed in
education, tried to be religious and that it must be a quality type of
education. Most of what we gossip about
nuns in those days really happened to me.
They were tough and started out in teaching the assumption that God
existed; it was a given to them. Each
morning, we started in our Religion classes. And all day, no opportunity was missed to
remind us that we were getting a Catholic education. The Baltimore Catechism was the Bible and
foundation. Then at night, on a black
and white television, the message would be reinforced by Bishop Fulton Sheen who
would reinforce St. Thomas Aquinas.
My first real confrontation
with God’s existence really came about in the fifth grade where I was exposed
to the Five Proofs of God by St. Thomas Aquinas. This was different than Religion class; it
was the beginnings of Philosophy. They
are not the same. I was fascinated by
St. Thomas, his logic and thoroughness.
No stone was left unturned. I
read those five proofs over and over, wrote essays in English class on them,
and even became an altar boy and sang in the Church choir, all in the quest for
God’s existence. But I still didn’t
believe. I still questioned and I would
continue to question throughout grammar school.
To me, God’s existence was still in question. Yet almost all my fellow students and their
parents all seemed to know He existed…or did they? At times, it became difficult to ask
questions as my peer group all seemed to accept God. I went to the public library for solitude and
also to expand my search, mostly in the stacks of Philosophy. And I prayed.
By my eighth grade year, I was seriously thinking of entering the
priesthood thinking that the seminary would complete my search. At the last minute, I changed my mind.
The Gospel Truth
So in 1959, I enrolled into
Bishop O’Dowd High School to continue in my search. I was honored to have a number of very
brilliant priests as my teachers and all were striving for excellence and
professionalism in education. Now my
Religion classes had changed to Theology classes. Plus I had to study Latin, the Romans and the
Greeks. My search was expanded and my
professors encouraged me as they all assumed that I believed in God’s
existence. By this time, I had become silent
in my disbelief. My thoughts were
radical and different in an environment which just seemed to accept God as a
given, He was the Gospel truth that all just accepted.
During those four years, I
was exposed to Socrates, Plato, Aristotle, naturally St. Thomas Aquinas, Descartes,
Pascal, and Kant. I was confronted with
the ageless debates on good vs. evil, ethics, knowledge, and all the other
areas of philosophical dissertation and exploration. As strong as St. Thomas was in his Five
Proofs, I began to realize that others had spent time in proving that God did
not exist. And their arguments were
strong and intelligent, logical. I was
now in more conflict than ever before in my search. I began to question the very existence of
truth, did I even really exist, let alone did God exist. Instead of answers, I was being confronted
with more questions and a further expansion of my quest. My thoughts were very confused and in conflict. I still did not believe in God and now
realized that my search was expanded to even my own existence and whether good
and evil even existed. It was here that
I was confronted with a subjective morality thanks to Dewey and others and now
the objective morality even came into question despite the eight years of
Dominican nuns saying otherwise. Perhaps
this was the start of the Church’s crisis which few wanted to discuss in
Catholic schools.
It was in those four years
that I began to revolt against my Catholic education. Instead of solid truth, I was discovering
that many were also questioning God’s existence and that the Church was being
threatened to its very core. My original
strong belief in objective morality was now under attack as I expanded my
awareness and search. I was constantly
reading and going to the library.
And then, in my junior year,
the priests started confiscating books from me.
They were my books but they took them away if I brought them to school. How could a priest steal and why. The very foundation of my education now was
being challenged and raised the level of my questioning even more. Perhaps the major confiscation was my books
by Aldous Huxley. That only peaked my
curiosity as I wondered what other books may be censored by the Catholic
Church. Thank God for our public
libraries as I searched for more books which I shouldn’t be reading. And it was here that I discovered changes
happening in the world which few wished to discuss in the Catholic environment. And it went back so far to my birth when this
quest for God started. These were days
when even the U.S. government was censoring Miller and James Joyce.
The world had changed during
WWII. And it changed in the cafes of
France. The worlds of Theology,
Philosophy, History and Literature were all merging together over cappuccinos
and lattes. From Huxley, I moved to
Arthur Miller, Anais Nin, Hemingway,
Orwell and realized that quite another world was developing. The complexities of Philosophy were
interacting with the complexities of life, history and just living one’s
personal life. God’s life was being
discussed in a number of different disciplines and trying to challenge the
everyman to question. It was the
Everyman Era. All while I was being kept
in solitary to be indoctrinated with a pure Catholic or Christian world that
censored and stole to prevent the question of God’s existence. I still, and even more now, did not believe
in God’s existence. After 12 years of
education, I began to realize that a whole new world had been kept from me and
that I really knew nothing except that others were asking the same question and
still not answering or finding the real truth to the question. I was discovering agnosticism and atheism and
having to give both a fair hearing in my disbelief. I was now about to graduate from high school
with still no answers to the central question of my life, but I also began to
realize that I was not alone. Perhaps
God was dead. Time Magazine even
carried the news on its cover. Was that
the Gospel Truth? So the Church
responded with Vatican II.
Ite, Missa Est
So I then continued on in my
journey by choosing the University of San Francisco as my next step in
education. This was a Jesuit university
and Jesuits were known for their high demands in education and in having a very
strong base in theology and philosophy.
Yet they also were known as radicals in the Church. It seemed like “questioning” was a given in
their creed and, considering my rebelliousness, it was the place for me to be, learn
and continue in my search.
It was exciting times as
Vatican II was in session and in deliberation.
It appealed to the radicalism of Catholic youth who seemed to enjoy
conflict and wanted to challenge all of the past. Student debates on priests getting married,
use of birth control, the place of mysticism in the Church were frequent and
heated. In all of the background was the
drug community of the Haight Ashbury and the re-emergence of spiritual
meditation aided by hash and mushrooms.
It was about this time that I started to look at the Rosary as a form of
spiritual meditation. A new interest in
Asian religions also began to emerge in an effort to greatly expand the reach
of Christianity and its tenets.
In his own way, Pope John
XXIII opened the Council with a portend of things to come:
“What is needed at the present time is a new enthusiasm, a
new joy and serenity of mind in the unreserved acceptance by all of the entire
Christian faith, without forfeiting that accuracy and precision in its
presentation which characterized the proceedings of the Council of Trent and
the First Vatican Council. What is
needed, and what everyone imbued with a truly Christian, Catholic and apostolic
spirit craves today, is that this doctrine shall be more widely known, more
deeply understood, and more penetrating in its effects on men’s moral lives. What is needed is that this certain and
immutable doctrine, to which the faithful owe obedience, be studied afresh and
reformulated in contemporary terms. For this deposit of faith, or truths which are
contained in our time-honored teaching is one thing; the manner in which these
truths are set forth (with their meaning preserved intact) is something
else.” Blessed Pope John XXIII (Opening
address to the Council)
The sense of hope for the Church was strong, but I still did
not believe in God. Vatican II did
excite me and encourage me in my quest.
It gave renewed strength to continue my search. These were things that I could believe in. Many of my religious teachers of my past
began leaving the priesthood as part of that questioning. I was no longer by myself in my questions. We were on a very new and different journey. And many began to question. The brainwashing of the Dominican nuns and
the Baltimore Catechism were coming to an end or at least now in question as
well.
Michael Novak, another radical, described Vatican II as a
spirit that "sometimes soared far beyond the actual, hard-won documents
and decisions of Vatican II. ... It was as though the world (or at least the
history of the Church) were now to be divided into only two periods,
pre-Vatican II and post-Vatican II. Everything
'pre' was then pretty much dismissed, so far as its authority mattered.
For the most extreme, to be a Catholic now meant to believe more or less
anything one wished to believe, or at least in the sense in which one
personally interpreted it. One could be
a Catholic 'in spirit'. One could take Catholic
to mean the 'culture' in which one was born, rather than to mean a creed making
objective and rigorous demands. One
could imagine Rome as a distant and irrelevant anachronism, embarrassment, even
adversary. Rome as 'them'. “ Part
of me said yes, and part of me said no.
Vatican II was a time of both rupture and of consolidation for me. It was painful and exciting both for what was
to follow.
It was here at the University that I discovered Pierre Teilhard
de Chardin S.J., another Jesuit radical.
Perhaps he attracted me as I had wanted to be a paleontologist as a
youngster. I was fascinated by Darwin and
again questioned him against Adam and Eve.
To me, this was tied to the search for God’s existence. It was Chardin who opened my eyes up to the
possibility of man evolving as an individual and also as a species. And it was Chardin who taught me to see
evolution as truth yet still be consistent to believe also in Creationism as
truth. Chardin was a radical as well,
having much of his writings restricted, but I never gave up on him. The Church was in revolt. For some reason, I felt that I was getting
closer to discovering God and that the truth was attainable. My search continued.
These were the times when Harvey Cox’s Secular City
was in full debate on the campus. It was
ushering in the Age of the Spirit for Christianity and that seemed to me
natural. God was, if He existed, around
us all and not just in the Catholic Church.
Karl Rahner S.J. came under attack about this time from the
Jesuit order itself. In his own way, he
was trying to revitalize St. Thomas Aquinas with the post-war movement of
existentialism. It seemed to me that he was also probing for the
truth and joined the ranks of Chardin. The basis for Rahner's theology was that
all human beings have a latent experience of God in any perception of meaning
or "transcendental experience."
Was this somehow the path to my discovery of God? The idea of a special revelation became
something that warranted more investigation.
I was now moving into a much different area than ever before in my life
and was dismayed by his period of censorship.
My search for God was really also trying to become aware of God around me. As this states it quite well, I quote: “The basis for Rahner's theology is that all human beings have a latent ("unthematic") awareness of God in any experiences of limitation in knowledge or freedom as finite subjects. Because such experience is the "condition of possibility" for knowledge and freedom as such. Rahner borrows the language of Kant to describe this experience as "transcendental. This transcendental experiential factor reveals his closeness to Maréchal’s Transcendental Thomism. Such is the extent of Rahner's idea of the "natural knowledge of God" — what can be known by reason prior to the advent of "special" revelation. God is only approached asymptotically, in the mode of what Rahner calls "absolute mystery." While one may try to furnish proofs for God's existence, these explicit proofs ultimately refer to the inescapable orientation towards Mystery which constitute — by transcendental necessity — the very nature of the human being.”
This kind of explained my journey up to this time. And showed me why my quest had and was so difficult in achieving. What shocked me was Rahner’s dependence upon the early writings of St. Thomas Aquinas and his effort to renew and rediscover Aquinas’ relevance to the 20th century and the turmoil of Vatican II. It was if my years of search were coming right back to their beginnings.
So it was natural now that I finally ended up in the philosophy of Jacques Maritain and his wife, Raissa. It was in his teachings and philosophy that my search was coming to an end and providing me with new tools to continue in my search for God’s existence. All of this was beginning to make sense but I still had not found God.
Tools of One’s Trade
In my search, I had started out with logic and critical thinking. St. Thomas Aquinas had been one of the strongest in this area with his “Five Proofs”. I had also tried getting closer to God by my years as an altar boy and singing Gregorian Chant. My years of Latin, study of early philosophers up to the modern ages had also expanded my use of critical thought in my search. Then came the days of Vatican II and the movement of mysticism and meditation. The mistaken use of drugs as a means to find God was also part of those changes but led nowhere. The turmoil and debate, censorship and acceptance, all of the changes of the 1960’s seemed to again reinforce that I was not alone and that many were in search of God. Many in the world were coming to believe that “God was Dead!” Yet the existentialism of God and Christ was now being introduced by Jacques Maritain in opposition to all of the agnostics and atheists whose ranks seemed to be growing.
It was not the philosophy of Maritain which captured me though it did reinforce my respect for St. Thomas in the 20th century. No, the major breakthrough came from the experience of him and his wife with the “Light”. It had nothing to do with critical thinking, philosophy, but rather the experience of God Himself. What fascinated me was that both Jacques and his wife were both agnostics, perhaps even atheists at some points, always questioning like I. While I have never been able to verify this, one day both walked into the Cathedral of Chartreuse and walked out later with both believing in God. How could this have happened? They both then went on to be baptized and became great leaders in a neo-revitalization of St. Thomas. It is just so miraculous to see how they spread God’s existence to all that they touched. How could all of this happen? How could an existentialist philosophy which appealed to non-believers now be adopted by those that believe and make it a very strong counter-movement in the support of God and Christ? For the first time, I saw Jesus Christ as the perfect existentialist and this brought new meaning to all of my Catholic teachings. St. Thomas was again relevant. Christ became more relevant. The very idea of an “unconditional love” was just such a perfect “existentialism”.
So it was in one moment that everything changed. While I cannot verify the event, it is verifiable from the words of Jacques and Raissa themselves that this moment of transformation involved a “Light”. A brief moment happened which changed their entire lives and ended their search for what we all search for, a God and a greater meaning for our very existence. It was not all the teachings, the philosophies, the strange events in one’s life, all of my efforts; it was just one moment, a transcendentalist moment.
This is not to say that everything was a waste of time. No, it was a long journey and I gained so much in knowledge and wisdom. If not making that journey, I may not have come to know that the answer was in just one moment. And I just owe so much to the Maritains for giving me that knowledge and revelation. All these years of searching, praying to finally find God, and then now to realize that it all came down to one event, one moment. I call this moment, “Listening to God”. That is how we come to know of God’s existence, a brief moment when He talks to us and we are humble enough to listen. And then we firmly believe that He does exist. The search is finally over but only to lead on to many other searches for a spiritual life.
How to Listen
We always seem to “pray” to God, talk to Him when we need things or are
sad. I remember an important book I once
read by Mortimer Adler, “How to Speak and How to Listen”. Seems obvious to me that listening is just as
important as speaking. Ironically, Adler
also was a Thomist but conducted his own search which paralleled mine. His conflicts were the same as mine.
He was such a brilliant man and it is ironic that his answers were in a
book which had nothing to do with God, but with just the human need to
communicate. It was Christ who tried to
teach us how to listen. Sadly, I believe
that Adler never really believed in God and never followed his own advice to “listen”
to God as a way of finding that belief.
Perhaps in the end, he finally did see his own “Light”. We may never know.
Adler once wrote: “I
suggest that the men and women who have given up religion because of the impact
on their minds of modern science and philosophy were never truly religious in
the first place, but only superstitious. The prevalence and predominance of
science in our culture has cured a great many of the superstitious beliefs that
constituted their false religiosity. The increase of secularism and irreligion
in our society does not reflect a decrease in the number of persons who are
truly religious, but a decrease in the number of those who are falsely
religious; that is, merely superstitious. There is no question but that science
is the cure for superstition, and, if given half the chance with education, it
will reduce the amount that exists. The truths of religion must be compatible
with the truths of science and the truths of philosophy. As scientific
knowledge advances, and as philosophical analysis improves, religion is
progressively purified of the superstitions that accidentally attach themselves
to it as parasites. That being so, it is easier in fact to be more truly
religious today than ever before, precisely because of the advances that have
been made in science and philosophy. That is to say, it is easier for those who
will make the effort to think clearly in and about religion, not for those
whose addiction to religion is nothing more than a slavish adherence to
inherited superstition. Throughout the whole of the past, only a small number
of men were ever truly religious. The vast majority who gave their epochs and
their societies the appearance of being religious were primarily and
essentially superstitious.”
As you read what follows, you must consider also what Adler said, “Applying … insight to the fact that the existing cosmos is merely one of a plurality of possible universes, we come to the conclusion that the cosmos, radically contingent in existence, would not exist at all were its existence not caused. A merely possible cosmos cannot be an uncaused cosmos. A cosmos that is radically contingent in existence, and needs a cause of that existence, needs a supernatural cause, one that exists and acts to ex-nihilate this merely possible cosmos, thus preventing the realization of what is always possible for merely a possible cosmos, namely, its absolute non-existence or reduction to nothingness.” Could it be that physics now is close to seeing the infinity of many cosmos as we search for the God particle? Does the existence of an infinity of dimensions now also lead us to the belief in God just as St. Thomas tried to lead us?
Adler finishes by pointing out that the conclusion reached conforms to Ockham’s Rule (the rule which states that we are justified in positing or asserting the real existence of unobserved or unobservable entities if-and only-if their real existence is indispensable for the explanation of observable phenomena) because we have found it necessary to posit the existence of God, the Supreme Being, in order to explain what needs to be explained-the actual existence here and now of a merely possible cosmos.
Adler stressed that even with this conclusion, God's existence cannot be proven or demonstrated, but only established as true beyond a reasonable doubt. However, in a recent re-review of the argument, John Cramer concluded that recent developments in physics appear to converge with and support Adler's argument, and that in light of such theories as the multiverse, the argument is no worse for wear and may, indeed, now be judged somewhat more probable than it was originally. To me, it is amazing just how all of the pieces now seem to be coming together. It is all so Paschalian and Thomist, yet still consistent with Einstein.
I agree and disagree with Adler. Belief in God can only be based upon a truth which is beyond a reasonable doubt. But we seem to be closely approaching that moment in physics and in philosophy. If we would only listen.
To listen to God is very different than how we listen to man. He speaks to us almost in a multi-physical manner. To listen to God, we must not just use our ears, but our eyes, our feelings, our minds, and all of our being. We must be very observant as often He speaks not in words but in events. Sometimes it may just be the “Light” of the Maritains. If we listen, and we hear Him, we usually will now finally believe in God about as much as we can and under Adler’s constraints. Much more than that, we cannot hope for until we finally die and experience the Truth in the end.
I guess I am blessed that God has spoken to me a few times in my life and I was listening. People who know me, know that it is hard for me to listen so perhaps that is why it took me so long to believe in God. I thought I would give you some instances where I listened so that maybe it would help you to also listen to God. Perhaps we all listen to Him differently, or He speaks to us in a different way, but the most important is that we are aware and ready to listen when the time comes. It may just be a “Light” or it may be something just particular to you. What I do know is that if you listen carefully, you will finally believe in God as I now do. And it is in support of this that I must say here that all great spiritual people I have met in my life have all been successful in listening to God. They all believe and we are all brothers now in a new quest for a higher life of spiritualism. The quest for life stays but just changes the loftiness of attainment.
God Speaks to Me
My first real listening to God was soon after I had read most of Jacques
Maritain. It was when I was dating my
wife and going through the process of courtship. All of a sudden, the thought came to me that
she was trying to love me unconditionally.
She really did love me even with all of my faults. I was both honored and humbled. And it was then that I decided to also love
her unconditionally; I thought I could really do this. The feeling that went over me was quite
unbelievable and I felt that God was there when we made this joint acceptance. After all, He was just reminding us of what
Christ tried to teach us all. There was
no light, but there was a very unusual love at that moment and I then believed
in God. Maybe Jacques and Raissa also
felt that love when they saw the light.
I would like to believe it is so.
The second time that God spoke to me and I listened happened at the Grotto
in Portland, Oregon. It was on Good
Friday and the occasion of my oldest daughter’s Confirmation. By happenstance, I found myself within the
Grotto alone and decided that I would pray the Stations of the Cross. By this time in my life, I was searching for
a higher level in my spiritual life. I
was fascinated by St. John of the Cross, Mother Teresa, and so many others who
had clearly achieved very high levels of spirituality and goodness. And they all had experienced the Hours of
Darkness as part of that process of listening to God much more closely.
The Grotto had a small place where all of the Stations of the Cross were remembered
with sculptures; in front of each, there was a wooden kneeler for one to kneel
on as one commemorated that particular ordeal in Christ’s Passion. The time was about noon when Christ first
started his ordeal on that Friday and that I was going to commemorate in my
prayers. Perhaps this mystical ritual
would absolve me of all of my sins and bring me peace.
So I prayed at each of the stations and finally finished. I took all of this into my perspective and
then realized that at each station, my knees had been very painful at the
stations where Christ was in pain, but my knees had not been painful at
stations where Christ was being consoled.
I went back and looked at each station again and realized that this was
true and that this had happened. Yet all
the wooden kneelers were exactly the same.
How could all of this be? Was it
my imagination or was God trying to speak to me?
I still had time in the Grotto but I was shaken by these events. I then saw a very large cast sculpture of
Christ carrying the Cross in what was kind of a secluded area nearby. I then decided to then pray the Rosary which
I am a very big believer in as a form of spiritual meditation. It can be a way of listening to God if we let
it.
In the front of this area were two very large camellia plants in full
flower with tons of bright red petals.
As I walked into this area where the large sculpture of Christ carrying
His Cross was, all of the red petals of the two plants dropped to the ground as
if tears of sorrow. There was no wind;
they just dropped in sorrow. All of them
and at once. I looked at my watch and it
was 3:00 p.m., the time we remember as to when Christ finally expired. I then went into the area and said the
Sorrowful Mysteries of the Rosary in memory.
It was as if I could feel the tremendous sorrow of Christ’s mother as
she removed her Son from the Cross.
After, I had a tremendous sense of peace and realized that I was very
honored to have had Christ speak to me that day. I just listened and my belief in His
existence was firmly set within my heart, my mind and my soul. The Grotto is a very holy place.
For the rest of my life, I have tried to rise in my spiritual
capability. This has not been very
easy. I have become a very big believer
of the Rosary as a prayer which helps us to listen to God. I have tried to meditate in different ways
and tried to do good things for people in my life. And I often am weak and I fail. I wish and want God to speak to me more often
but who am I to demand such a thing. I
can’t. All I can do is listen and hope. Sometimes I begin to doubt during these
periods of darkness. St. John and others
warn of this in the quest for spirituality.
Then I remember the time in the Grotto and regain my strength and
resolve.
At this time, it is important to note another time when God spoke to
me. It was a period when my daughter was
very sick and ill. There was nothing
that I could do for her but wait. One
night I was so worried and upset, I went into our backyard for some peace
during the night. It was then that I saw
demons upon the wall of her bedroom where she was resting. They were so horrible and crawling all around
her bedroom. I was terrified. I was helpless. All I could think of doing was to pray the
Rosary for the intention of my daughter and her safety. After I was finished, all of these demonic
shadows were gone and I had peace that she would recover which she did. It was a very scary evening, but I realized
that if demons exist, if evil exists, then God must also exist and good must as
well. I also realized that I am weak and
cannot fight against the demons without God’s help or the help of His
angels. I was humbled as I realized just
how helpless I am without God. I
realized just how hard humility is and how much we need to reach for it in our
struggle for spirituality. God spoke to
me that night but in a way which I just was not prepared for. I now knew that evil exists and that demons
wish me to fail, to despair and to give up in my belief of God. Ironically, the opposite was the result.
This happened again to me. One night
I entered into a bar in Virginia City. I
was drinking alcohol very heavy in those days.
I ordered a drink and then felt the presence of evil. As I sipped my drink, I looked up to the wall
of the bar and again saw the same demonic images there, as if they were
watching me, hoping for my despair.
Again, I was very frightened and knew I had to leave. I left immediately and said the Rosary as I
drove home for my protection. Again, God
was talking to me that the presence of evil also strengthens the belief that
God and good also exist and that they will be victorious. I was listening to God again.
Not too long after the bar event, I developed a severe case of
pancreatitis. I rushed to the doctor’s
office and he immediately rushed me to the hospital where I was informed that I
could die within the next 24 hours if they didn’t get this to stop. The cause was probably from my drinking of
alcohol. I had to take a test and wait
for an hour to see what the doctors could do to save my life. I was very scared and desperate. I really thought I was going to die soon.
During my wait, I roamed the hospital and found a small chapel. I decided to go in and say the Rosary, hoping
that God would answer my prayers and allow me to survive. I went in to the chapel, sat down and started
to recite the Rosary. By now, I use my
fingers and have it memorized. After, I
felt tired and laid down in the pew to rest.
I fell asleep.
As I was sleeping, I had a dream. In
this dream, I was in the very same chapel at the hospital, sleeping in the pew
but I was not alone. Above me, over my
stomach and pancreas were three small cherub angels. They were all black dressed in flowery white
dresses, hovering above me and waving their hands all around my stomach. Imagine, black angels in white dresses. Who could have dreamt of such an incongruity
unless it was a reality. I then woke up. I then got up and left to go back to the
doctors. The pancreatitis was gone. I left and stopped drinking alcohol from that
point on in my life. This time God spoke
to me and kept me living for reasons that I still am not sure of.
Oh, there are other times when God spoke to me; sometimes I was listening,
sometimes I was not. The most important
thing is to try to listen all of the time.
If you doubt God exists, maybe this will help you to find him. It has been a very long journey for me. I can only urge you to read some of the works
I have discussed here, some of the brilliant men who shared the same journey as
we all do. I urge you to keep all of
your senses open to the word of God, your eyes open to His light and how He
speaks with the actions and events around us.
Be aware and be observant, listen.
One last instance of His speaking to me.
I have for a number of months been trying to help a good friend of mine
regain his eyesight. His wife had passed
away and he got cataracts which progressed to such a point that he was really
blind. It has been a long battle and
many visits to the hospital, the eye surgeon, to the grocery store to buy
groceries, to the mail boxes to pick up mail.
Once blind, life is very limited, but we always had hope. It was a lot of work and took a lot of time. I will never forget the day of his first eye
operation to remove the cataract and he was starting to see again. Then the operation on his other eye and more
of the world was coming back to him in his eyes. It was then that I had such a feeling of
honor that I now felt what Christ felt when He made the blind man see again. That feeling is and was priceless.
During this, both Mike and I went through a lot of emotions and despair. We were disappointed with progress and often
had doubts as to where we were going. We
had setbacks but we continued on. It is
just so frustrating to take a man who is blind grocery shopping. One must have patience and perseverance. But the gamut of emotions during this battle
has been all over the place, both good and bad.
I often had my doubts about all of it but often told my friend that I
think God wants us to do this. Deep in
my heart, I still wondered. I wondered
where we were going and whether all of this was worth it. Our friendship provided us strength during
the difficult times and I prayed.
Then one day, as I was leaving my friend at his home, I noticed a very
bright red tulip growing in all of the weeds.
Red tulips are one of my favorites.
I told my friend right then, this is God speaking to us. That we are doing the right things and that
everything is going to be just fine.
That tulip was growing where none should have or could have grown, but
it was just a quick word from God to both of us. A few days later it was totally gone but the
Word of God still stays with us. And I
now feel what Christ felt when he cured the blind man; I am so honored to have
shared such a feeling in my life. It
makes all of the doubts and trials worthwhile, just with a tulip as a short word. Brief and to the point. But we had to listen.
I hope this helps you. I hope that
God will speak to you soon and often.
Just listen.
