Don’t Take Your Suspenders to Town, Boy

 

Or

 A Homeland Security Incident in Carson City, Nevada

By Patrick Flanagan

 

Good Friday is supposed to be a day of remembrance and meditation.  Yet the Collect for this day, Acts 4:1-12, reads, “So they arrested them…”  Peter and John were arrested for their teachings.  Many believed and felt the same way.  Frequently, in the Gospels, we hear about arrests; people willing to go to jail because of their beliefs.  But what about people today who willingly go to jail because of their beliefs?  We don’t read much about them but they are there, keeping their baptismal promises to “strive for justice and peace,” just as John and Peter did.

I should have read that passage at the beginning of my day of Good Friday.  Instead, I had promised a friend to visit the Carson City District Attorney to check on the progress of a particular case.  Being Irish, that is another story.  What follows is a real story of this day and our own ongoing personal persecution by the authorities in a continuing violation of our rights and freedoms.  Of course, they are protecting us from ourselves.  Or so they say.

To get to visit the Carson District Attorney, an elected public official, one has to go to the County Court House and go through the ever-present security check of today’s paranoid world and war against terrorism.  I was prepared for the search, or, at least, thought I was.

 I’m used to setting off alarms.  My car alarm goes off all the time.  So I wasn’t surprised when the scanner alarm went off as I walked through the ever-present electronic scanning door.  I had already removed all my coins, my watch, my cigarette lighter, my keys, my Swiss Army knife (which caused a suspicious look by the security officer), and even my miniature crucifix, so appropriate for this day.

Next, my shoes.  Off, so that they could see the holes in my socks.  I’m a bachelor.  Again, the alarm goes off.  I now know what is causing the problem: my fancy metal laden fire-engine red suspenders holding up my pants.  I asked the officer, could I go through now, and got a stern negative.  “Off with the suspenders,” the officer commanded.

 

          Now, this presented a real problem for me.  My suspenders latch on in the front in two places, but only in one place in the rear.  I told the officer, if I took off my suspenders, I wouldn’t be able to get them back on without some help from him in connecting the rear latches.  If I had no help, I would have to take off my pants as I can’t properly get the rear suspender connected properly.  Being a public servant, I kind of expected a friendly bit of help in this predicament.  To my surprise, I got a resounding “No!”  It must be a man thing.  I tried covering the metal latches with my hands and again set the alarm off.

I had no choice.  I told the officer to search me, as I didn’t want to take my pants off in public.  He again refused.  By now, I was somewhat naked having taken off my shirt, exposing the bright brass on my suspenders.  I protested, “Officer, if I’m to get passed your security, I will have to take off my pants,” and he responded, “Well………..”

So I did.  I took off my pants and, guess what, walked through the scanner and no alarm went off.  Now, one would have a sense of relief, but, frankly, I was a bit embarrassed and upset by this time.  I quickly put my pants back on, made a small comment about the need for common sense in our security system and went on my way to the District Attorney.  Going up the elevator, I wondered if I really do look like a terrorist and maybe I should shave my beard.  After all, a lot of Irish have been terrorists against the British back in the days of the Revolution.

Well, I was treated very civilly by the D.A’s office.  I commented to her that their building security was very thorough and she should feel very safe at work.

On my way back down, I kind of got thinking this is America.  I don’t have to go through a search to such a ridiculous extent.  After all, wasn’t this one of the reasons we revolted against the British?  So I decided to ask for the officer’s badge number.  That was a mistake.

He replied boastingly, “I don’t have a badge number.  They call me Big Foot!”  Now that I could believe as he was so big and did look kind of like his name would apply.  Now, I’m a small man, and he kind of reminded me of the bullies I had to contend with in school, bigger than me and people who love to badger and torment.

He then asked me for identification or a driver’s license.  I then politely reminded him of a recent Supreme Court decision that I don’t have to give him my I.D. unless he informed me that I was going to be charged with some crime.  That wasn’t a good response either as now he was starting to become wild and more belligerent.

“I’m going to get an arrest warrant for you for indecent exposure,” he threatened, upon which I gave him my driver’s license.  I protested, saying that the other officer wouldn’t let me pass through security until I had gotten rid of my suspenders, which happened to be logically connected to my pants.  I was just following their orders, and it certainly wasn’t any fun for me.  After all, I’m not really that well endowed.  He then furthered his threats, stating that there was three officers present who would all testify that I purposely exposed myself to them and that they never asked me to remove my suspenders.  I was shocked.  To intimate that three peace officers, sworn to uphold the law, would lie in order to intimidate me.  Just because I asked for his badge number.  Tension was high, but not in my suspenders.  Getting my license back, I left, blood pressure on high, and wondering how all of this could have happened on Good Friday.

Well, a charge of “indecent exposure” is a very serious charge, a gross felony.  I’ll probably have to go to jail when they catch me.  But I think I will win.

You see, I was wearing my new bathing suit and I don’t think that is indecent exposure.  After all, I’m a bachelor who hadn’t done his wash yet that day.

The moral of the day: Good Friday is a day when innocent people are persecuted and should never wear their suspenders to town or to the airport.  Get a belt, and get a life!